Self (Loathing) Evaluation

Everybody hates something about themselves.

You might hate how big your nose is. Your sister probably hates her teeth and your uncle stares at himself in the mirror for an hour, wondering if his muscles are manly enough.

But, have you ever hated something about who you are ?

I’ll explain in two ways.

Your dad comes home from work with exciting news. He got a big raise and he appears to be extremely happy about it. You, on the other hand, refuse to share that joy. Your mind and heart were on a quest and they have found something that was deeply embedded within you. The time your dad missed your school play.. the time he blew you and your drawings off because he was on the phone with someone whom he won’t remember his name now… the rainy afternoon where instead of hugging you and comforting you, he scolded you for being sick and called you irresponsible. Your heart and brain found the terribly scarred, yet nicely hidden version of you. And because of it, you don’t feel like he deserves your attention now.

So what do you do ? You leave, storm out of course !

« Where was he then »…  « why should I ? » … « he doesn’t deserve it »…

The noise lowers, and you step towards your dad and give him a hug. You congratulate him and join in on the joyful mood.

You tuned out the negativity, the feeling of oppression, the feeling of injustice. You chose to be considerate and understanding. You chose the happiness in reality over the grief of the past.

You put someone else before yourself.

Here’s the thing, you know it’s the right thing to do. It makes you more mature, being able to balance and control yourself. But then again… 

Then again, you hate it. You hate being the one who considers others when they never reciprocate. You hate being the mature and rational person, the nice one who gets walked over. You set the standards up high now, along with everyone’s expectations. You despise the fact that it is now your thing. Now others know it too, and they never ever expect you to throw a tantrum or be unreasonable. No, you’ve sentenced yourself. And you hate it.

You hate how good you are.

Then there’s the other way.

You’re always seeing things differently. You’re always doubting and don’t appear as convinced as everybody else at most issues presented at any given time. Even when it should be common sense, it doesn’t feel so common to you. It’s amusing at first. But with time people get sick and annoyed with that. Some may feel inferior to you and don’t welcome that feeling, which makes you as a result hate yourself for inflicting that feeling on people. Especially when they make a mistake and you correct them with the good intention of just correcting them. “He/she thinks he’s better than me.” That’s all they’re thinking about you. That’s all they see in you.

And you try to alter your mind, your perspective. Make it accustomed to a certain path. Tame it to accept the obvious and not seek more. Train it to ignore obvious mistakes as to not offend their maker.

Why?

Maybe you’re tired of always feeling like your thinking is wrong because you’re thinking differently. Maybe you just want to fit in, for once. Not be the freak. You want to join in on the common views.

What then?

Is that better? Did it pay off? No? Yes?

Maybe you lost yourself. You lost sight of your uniqueness because you were too scared from straying far from the current of alike-thinkers.

Alike-thinkers = Non-thinkers

And the worst part? You’re aware. You’re aware of how disregarded you were, how pulling back didn’t change a thing, how it’s ruining you instead. And you hate yourself for it.

At times, the good can only stem from the bad. If you’re aware of all of this, that gives you the advantage. You’re not yet brainwashed and branded as just another person. Only you can tear yourself away. You just have to find the calm. You need to.

Calm is a superpower.

Find your inner peace. From it, everything else will come. Like how to appreciate yourself. How to listen to it. Others’ judgements will no longer guide you. You can turn to them if you want another perspective. Codependency will only bring your downfall.

So you’ll correct that grammar mistake with no shame or sorrow. They’ll thank you later.

You will begin to understand how awesome you are. It takes a slave to give birth to a commander. It takes a follower of the pact to make an Alpha. You’re your own source of comfort and understanding. Appreciation and love. The rest. What people provide... friends, family. It’s all a bonus. As they should be. Don’t be coy. Or a coward. Trust yourself. Your soul. It knows the way better than you think.

My Thoughts On Prince EA's Viral Video On Education

The video definitely added new techniques to my knowledge. I absolutely admired how EA presented his case. It was professional, accurate, logical, real, legitimate, and most of all, very profound and with purpose. He started small, then his statements more and more straightforward, specific and relatable. And that's the secret. Relatable. He knew how to grab and hold on to his viewers by putting in their hands something that affects them on a deep level. He was provoking that sentiment.

His words too. The meaning of each one increased with the one following it giving them more power and ability to get to the point quickly yet smoothly and with fierce. EA appeared very passionate with the issue which was visible through his voice and the use of his words because he actually and truly believed everything he was saying and was convinced by it.

Lastly, I especially loved it when he said, "...I do have faith in people." He might be one of the very, very few that still do.

The F word. No, not Fuck

Feminism.
Yes boys and girls. Feminism.
I know right? "what's the big deal?" you might ask.
EVERTHING, is the answer.
Let's talk about the fact that that word wasn't even recognized until the star Beyoncé included it in a song of hers. Or the fact that most people who have finally noticed Feminism, they noticed it as a Popular Trend.
That's all it meant. Just a trend to copy and follow and claim as our own, without having the first idea on what it actually means. People added 'Feminist' in each of their accounts' bios, but when an issue related to this "Trend" is mentioned, they turn into agressive, retarded assholes. Yeah, um sir? That kind of contradicts your tweets and instagram photos about how much of a true warrior you are for Feminism.
But let's ignore the small generation for a while on the grounds of :

1. They're caught up in the stream of social media and therefore of mimicry
2. We expect them to, because they're just kids.

Here's the bigger problem. The adults. The people we actually expect to be mature and open-minded. What are they doing instead? They're giving their daughter a hard time for wearing a skirt, coming home late, not completing her chores. And her brother? He's not even home. And nobody cares. Because what if he's out there drinking? Or with a girl? "She's not our girl", they'll think to themselves.

"Mom, why do I have to make his bed for him?"
"Because he's a guy, honey. Guys don't make beds."

Fine.

"Mom, my friend Amanda has a boyfriend. Can I date, too?"
"No you can't. And your friend is a disgrace to her family."

Oh. Okay.

"Mom, my brother did something bad and didn't get punished for it. But when I do something wrong, I get grounded. Why?"
"Because he's a guy."

Well...

"Mom! My brother killed someone!"
"That's alright. He's a guy. He can do that."

I am very certain that this is where it'll end up. No joke.

Because what better excuse for being a jerk who treats women like they're trash, than having a penise.
Here's the thing. Girls are not seen as human beings. Nope. They are seen as bodies. Asking to be objectified. Inside male circles, she's referred to as "that", "it", "those". Girls are afraid to walk past a groupe of guys because they know damn well they are going to get cat-called, flirted with, whistles are going to follow after them... One of them might even have the guts to touch her. That's no longer flirting, it's abuse and bullying.
So far, this is pretty disgusting right? I wish it stopped here.
There is no secret that females are more sensitive. They are delicate and let's face it ladies, we can be fragile sometimes. We have insecurities, but some lucky few of us can handle them. So if a girl wants to look good, she wants to boost her self-esteem by wearing nice clothing and putting make-up on, apparently that's now an open invitation for sexual flirtation and disrespect. Wow I am so proud of this generation.
Actually no, this doesn't go out to only our generation. Adults too like I mentioned before.
When an unfortunate girl is raped and she wants to demand justice, what happens?
She is crucified. By everyone. "Why did you go to that place... why were you dressed like that... you should've been careful... you should've stayed home... this is your fault and responsibility... "
Can someone find a proper explanation as to why this is okay? Why this is allowed?
Do you go to a graveyard, look at the tombstone of someone and say, "It's your fault you're dead."
If you do... honestly, get help.
Not only does the Judiciary fail her, but so does the medical system. Because, if a drunk person gets into his/her car and drives then hits a tree, then "it's no problem. We can fix that broken knee." And if someone falls from a tree they say "Don't worry, we can stitch that up you'll be as good as new!"
But god forbid a female makes a mistake, and she wants an abortion when she's pregnant out of wedlock. Oh no, someone must alert the church elders!
She's ignored and hit with the classic, "No! You got yourself into this mess. Take responsibility"
I could honestly go on and on and ON. How sad right? How many examples there are of total disregard to justice and equality.
But let's be clear on one thing. Feminism includes EVERYBODY.
Men are deeply involved, as well. And for the same reason that women are looked down on, too. Men when seen with attractive women, everybody's like "She's with him because he's rich... he can't get a girl like that... she's using him..." Their body is judged too. I mean excuse them for not living up to your instagram greek gods with abs and whatever. He is still a human being. With feelings, believe it or not. But oh wait you won't believe it because according to you, men shouldn't show emotion, because they're men. They should always look tough, act tough. Be manly. Play "manly" sports. A little boy likes balet? No no no. Here's a ball. Go play soccer. Be a man!
Being a man apparetly means you must be into dark colors and if you prefer pink for example, you'll probably get beaten up in the school yard. It apparently means that you should force your flirtatious behavior on someone even though they've expressed that they're not interested. It also means to smack your wife if and when she talks back to you, otherwise how will she know who's the boss, the man of the house?
Honestly people... grow up.
No seriously, get some years.. like mind-training-years.
Sorry, not sorry for bursting your bubble, but here's the thing:
Girls can play soccer, and lift weights, and drive motorcycles twice as big as them like the bosses they are. Boys can cry at dramatic movies and wear pink clothing and play balet. No shame.
"You hit like a girl" is not an insult.
"Having balls" shouldn't refer to having courage.

When this specific topic is mentioned, some rightious person would probably say something like "Yeah but women can vote now. They can work at so many high domains.What more do they want?"
And while that's true, it doesn't change the fact that society doesn't see that as a legitimate change. That chief-editor walking out of her car will be stared at like she's a whore for wearing that particular skirt. That business woman will get labeled as the office prostitute because all her co-workers don't believe she made it to her position without sleeping with someone from headquarters.
So yes, maybe we've achieved things that we couldn't before and maybe now we have actual rights. But let's face the reality here... nothing's really changed.
You can pretend it did if it helps you sleep at night in utter denial. But no matter how many conferences speak about this, no matter how many protests and meetings happen to make a change, the old-school ways will always intervine thanks to people who are... let's save that for another post.
Those rights remain on paper. The judge might get you a fair virdict, but he'll still look down on you as if you're the criminal. Your mom might allow you to go out but she'll still give you a curfew, and not your brother. She'll fill his plate more than yours. She'll let him style his hair however he pleases but you're not allowed to make a change to yours unless she chooses it.
We pretend it's all good. That we're all equal and just. But we're not. The little details are still there, and they are truly disappointing yet still sting with the same agony.
Equality should run in our blood. If that happens, can you imagine how safe and comfortable we will feel?
Please try to open your minds that are crammed with expired mentalities that you've inherited without comprehending. Let that happen. Look away from the boy who's bawling because Jack dies and Rose stays on the floating door.
Leave the boy who likes Disney stories and movies alone. He's just passionate about something. Why don't you start looking for your passion, instead of walking over to him and making fun of his Princess Elsa Shirt?
You're not an animal so control your urgencies when you see an attractive person walk by, and instead, offer them a polite compliment. You might earn yourself a date rather than a lawsuit.
It includes and involves everybody. Feminism isn't a label and it sure as hell isn't a trend to make yourself cooler. It's something we must understand properly and spread. Like what the #WomensMarch that happened a couple of days ago. That was very brave and inspiring. I hope it goes more viral, provokes true change, and more people jon it.

I rest my case.

Begining

I had a lot of doubts before deciding to do this. The kind of doubts that last eight hours. It's not so much as what I write, as opposed to how I'm writing it. Because I've discovered that nobody can write something without unintentionally slipping in some of their own thoughts, their personel perspective. That's where my problem lurks. Even doing this now, writing this, I feel unnecessarily exposed to people. And people shouldn't have such advantage, such freedom to trespass another's comfort zone. Their true thoughts and depths. I loathe that so much.
But then... then I thought about something.
I thought of how proud of myself I am. I am still learning of course, still growing and maturing but I truly am pleased with the person I've grown to be so far. And there are so, so many contributing factors to that. Like the books I've read, for example. I mentioned before how every writer cannot help but engrave a small part of themselves within the story they're telling or its characters. And I have learned so much, understood so much thanks to that courage. The courage of having  a fragment of you on display.
I've always been constantly encouraged to do something with what I have. But it's not my fault I can sometimes be ...socially decapitated. Sorry. I can't sugarcoat it.
"Get out of your cocoon." I had been told very recently. It added to the weight and, yes the inevitable discomfort, of it all. But I just thought "maybe I can be able to go through with this".
So if I can do for someone, anyone, half of what all those authors have done for me with their work, I will consider myself fulfilled.
So, this is me, taking the first step out of my comfort zone. It will get bloody and scary I'm sure, but it's sooner rather than later, I guess.

Just to clarify, this will not be a sort of diary where I whine about whatever. Absolutely not. It's a blog. Where people get to blog about stuff (duh). I won't be telling you what it will be. Just setting the record staright on what it will NOT be. Ta-da.