Self (Loathing) Evaluation

Everybody hates something about themselves.

You might hate how big your nose is. Your sister probably hates her teeth and your uncle stares at himself in the mirror for an hour, wondering if his muscles are manly enough.

But, have you ever hated something about who you are ?

I’ll explain in two ways.

Your dad comes home from work with exciting news. He got a big raise and he appears to be extremely happy about it. You, on the other hand, refuse to share that joy. Your mind and heart were on a quest and they have found something that was deeply embedded within you. The time your dad missed your school play.. the time he blew you and your drawings off because he was on the phone with someone whom he won’t remember his name now… the rainy afternoon where instead of hugging you and comforting you, he scolded you for being sick and called you irresponsible. Your heart and brain found the terribly scarred, yet nicely hidden version of you. And because of it, you don’t feel like he deserves your attention now.

So what do you do ? You leave, storm out of course !

« Where was he then »…  « why should I ? » … « he doesn’t deserve it »…

The noise lowers, and you step towards your dad and give him a hug. You congratulate him and join in on the joyful mood.

You tuned out the negativity, the feeling of oppression, the feeling of injustice. You chose to be considerate and understanding. You chose the happiness in reality over the grief of the past.

You put someone else before yourself.

Here’s the thing, you know it’s the right thing to do. It makes you more mature, being able to balance and control yourself. But then again… 

Then again, you hate it. You hate being the one who considers others when they never reciprocate. You hate being the mature and rational person, the nice one who gets walked over. You set the standards up high now, along with everyone’s expectations. You despise the fact that it is now your thing. Now others know it too, and they never ever expect you to throw a tantrum or be unreasonable. No, you’ve sentenced yourself. And you hate it.

You hate how good you are.

Then there’s the other way.

You’re always seeing things differently. You’re always doubting and don’t appear as convinced as everybody else at most issues presented at any given time. Even when it should be common sense, it doesn’t feel so common to you. It’s amusing at first. But with time people get sick and annoyed with that. Some may feel inferior to you and don’t welcome that feeling, which makes you as a result hate yourself for inflicting that feeling on people. Especially when they make a mistake and you correct them with the good intention of just correcting them. “He/she thinks he’s better than me.” That’s all they’re thinking about you. That’s all they see in you.

And you try to alter your mind, your perspective. Make it accustomed to a certain path. Tame it to accept the obvious and not seek more. Train it to ignore obvious mistakes as to not offend their maker.

Why?

Maybe you’re tired of always feeling like your thinking is wrong because you’re thinking differently. Maybe you just want to fit in, for once. Not be the freak. You want to join in on the common views.

What then?

Is that better? Did it pay off? No? Yes?

Maybe you lost yourself. You lost sight of your uniqueness because you were too scared from straying far from the current of alike-thinkers.

Alike-thinkers = Non-thinkers

And the worst part? You’re aware. You’re aware of how disregarded you were, how pulling back didn’t change a thing, how it’s ruining you instead. And you hate yourself for it.

At times, the good can only stem from the bad. If you’re aware of all of this, that gives you the advantage. You’re not yet brainwashed and branded as just another person. Only you can tear yourself away. You just have to find the calm. You need to.

Calm is a superpower.

Find your inner peace. From it, everything else will come. Like how to appreciate yourself. How to listen to it. Others’ judgements will no longer guide you. You can turn to them if you want another perspective. Codependency will only bring your downfall.

So you’ll correct that grammar mistake with no shame or sorrow. They’ll thank you later.

You will begin to understand how awesome you are. It takes a slave to give birth to a commander. It takes a follower of the pact to make an Alpha. You’re your own source of comfort and understanding. Appreciation and love. The rest. What people provide... friends, family. It’s all a bonus. As they should be. Don’t be coy. Or a coward. Trust yourself. Your soul. It knows the way better than you think.